From religion, to atheism, to spirituality - my soul's journey.


One of the questions  I have been asked a lot is, if I have always felt a deep connection to the spirit world. The short version is, yes and no. I went on a journey from religion to atheism and, lastly, back to where I came from.

This is my story:

When I was a child I felt a direct connection with the source. I was raised catholic but I never understood the concept of  a masculine God. The source for me was gender neutral and had both genders at the same time. I called it 'Schatz' which means treasure in German and I prayed every night. Lucid dreaming and astral travel was normal to me (without even knowing what I was doing) and I enjoyed my dream world more than the physical realm because it was full of infinite possibilities and no limitations of time and space. At night, I remember seeing people (e.g. spirit guides) every now and then standing around my bed or in my room and I didn't know who they were and I was scared of them so I felt safer sleeping while the light in the hall room was turned on.

Note: I believe many of us were more connected to the source when we were children since we just recently incarnated and we were still closer to the spirit world. By the time we grow up we often forget, especially if it's not supported in our family. Hypnotherapists say that you can ask a child "who were you when you were big?" and they can tell you about their past lives until they become like 3 or 4 years old (around the time they start kindergarten). 

When I grew older I started asking questions. But that wasn't very welcomed in the religious world. My dad said, we're not meant to ask questions in religion, you just have to believe. I didn't understand why I wasn't allowed to - are they hiding something? I had a bird living by my side for 12 years with whom I felt a deeply strong soul connection. When I asked my parents if Miro will be my side after I die, they said, no. Animals don't have a soul and don't go to heaven. This was devastating to me and it didn't make any sense. I could clearly see Miro's soul shine through his eyes, and I could see the souls of all animals which later led me to become vegetarian as soon as I moved out from home.

In high school, I was pretty much the only one I knew who was interested in spirit. Most of my friends were either atheists or took on their parents' religion without asking questions. One of my main subjects in high school besides math, french and physics was religion, and my graduation presentation was about god critics vs religion critics. God critics were people who doubted that there was something higher than the physical realm, religion critics didn't doubt the existence of the force/source but questioned the intentions of religious institutions. I counted myself as the latter. I still prayed every night.

Then in college, I got into modeling, acting, and partying. I wanted to adjust myself more and more to my surroundings, and fit into society. I prayed less and less, and also dreamed less and less. I was focused more on the physical realm, on adventures, experiences and achievements.

When I came to Los Angeles, I got introduced to Tarot and Crystals which reignited my spiritual connection for a while and I bought my first tarot deck when I was 22. However, when I met someone who I got involved with who was very focused on science and a passionate atheist, I changed. At first I thought I can help him to connect with spirit but the opposite happened.

I disconnected from my own intuition more and more, I read books about the brain, about biology, I followed science and atheists blogs, I considered the world being just this physical realm and nothing beyond that. I made myself believe that everything else I had experienced before was just my imagination. I did this for about a year and it brought me into a deep hole of depression where I lost my perspective and forgot my purpose in life.

Note: This is not to say that learning about science takes you away from spirit. I believe science is great in asking questions, researching and not blindly believing everything some might say. Also, more and more scientific research is coming out that proves the existence of a consciousness (soul) that survives the death of our physical body. However, most popular scientific journals do not acknowledge the soul yet and there is a danger when you get deeply involved in current science that you doubt that there's anything else out there (or within) until you have scientific proof. You tend to question your own inner knowing.

Then on my solar return (my 24th birthday) my inner voice became so loud that I couldn't ignore it anymore. I opened the notes in my phone and started writing without consciously knowing what I wrote (one of my first experiences of channeling/automatic writing). When I looked back at my notes it said,

"RUN RUN RUN. This is not the place for you, this is not where you belong. Leave this situation behind. RUN RUN RUN."

And I did. I broke up, moved out, and started a new life. I focused on myself, on what I felt to be true. My dreams came back. I connected with Tarot again. I followed my heart and it brought me straight into the arms of my soulmate who changed my life forever. He had an innate acceptance of spirit, he just understood deep inside that there's more to life than what we see. His confidence helped me in becoming more confident in myself and brought me back to my own spirituality and my beliefs when I was a child.

By accepting it as my truth, and learning about metaphysics, like astrology, past/future life regression, channeling, I embarked on a spiritual journey which brought me where I am now. After my first out-of-body experience, where I left my body, walked and flew around the house, looked into the mirror without seeing my body but just hot air and connected with loved ones who have crossed over (including my bird Miro!)... there was no doubt for me anymore if it was real or not. My beliefs turned into knowings.

The more I believed, the more I experienced. The more I experienced, the more I believed.

And it continues to be like that.

No matter where you are in your life, know that you have the power to change and live your life from your heart at any time, no matter your age or situation. We all have the power inside of us to connect with our inner voice, we all have spirit guides that are surrounding us and supporting us whenever we're in need, we all have a direct connection to the force/source that supplies us with infinite abundance and unconditional love.

There is not one true way of connecting to the spirit world, no one can tell you how you should be doing it. Trust in your own intuition and let yourself be guided. Be open to new concepts and try out different things and see what resonates as truthful within you. Don't be afraid to ask questions because that's how we grow. As long as you don't purposefully hurt anyone, it doesn't matter what your beliefs are. We are one. We are all coming from the same source and are on the same journey but on different stages with a unique combination of talents (colors) that we're meant to shine into the world.

This was a personal story of my soul development throughout my lifetime so far.

How are your experiences with the spirit world? I would love to hear about your journey. Please comment below.

Love and Peace,